Under normal circumstances a weekend is a time to relax, to catch up with those that matter, a time to give yourself that well-deserved break after a hard week. But when you're grown up and working, the weekend turns out to be a completely different affair. Yes it's still a break. But sadly, it's never long enough to really have fun or short enough to ignore.

This weekend took off rather unusually with me getting locked out of my room in the middle of the night on account of a rather questionable disappearance of my room keys, followed by me seeking shelter at a friend's place. The next morning saw me finally gaining access to my room and heaving a sigh of relief. Once you start considering a room as "your place", there's no greater relief than to be back in it.

I had a lot to catch up on and I'd sort of already lost a night.

Relax. I thought to myself and began doing what I usually do when I have a lot on my mind and very little time. I made a list.
So turned out it wasn't much, a few phone calls, a few official emails, a report, laundry, ironing, you know the usual.
Half of Saturday was up, and a strange laziness began to seep in. I didn't feel like doing anything. All this could wait. I spent the rest of the day cooking myself some yummy dinner and watching a movie.

Next morning. No more excuses. There was work to be done and now. So it all started, me working in super-cop motion, ticking away those chores on my list as the day rolled into a pleasent evening. And that's when I felt it. A strange warmth. All over my body. I touched my forehead and indeed, I was running a temperature. Since when did I start taking things to my head! I didn't want to fall sick. Hell! I didn't have time for that.
I guessed I needed some air.

I went out, for the first time without a task in my head. I felt lighter. The wind was blowing at just the right pace, the trees were swaying just the right amount, the sun was invisible, but there was just enough light to enjoy what lay before me. Everything was perfect. Everything was beautiful. I felt glad just to be there, in that moment, just to be alive, to be a part of this.
Here I took a few pictures for you guys:











I took a deep breath. Since when did life become so definite? Since when did a list get to decide how my day is supposed to be spent? This was not me. But the real-me, I concluded, stood no chance in this world. I just had to keep up. I felt my head again. Not as hot. But still warm. There was just one more thing left to do before I could call it a night.

I went back to my room.

Now, an hour and a half later, and the fever gone, it feels like I never had one. I guess life isn't as complicated as we make it. Everything is out there in front of us. Like all the pieces of a giant puzzle. If you're patient and enjoy the game, it wouldn't seem so hard to foresee the final picture.

And so a few days back I get this call from my aunt (my dad's maternal uncle's daughter), who lives in Australia and was planning to come over to Singapore for a few days along with her sons, which basically amounted to the fact that I was going to meet them. Normally it would've had a close-to-nothing effect on me. Heck! It was just going to be a brief meeting, or maybe as she suggested, a stay at her place over the weekend. But no, this invitation triggered a lot more than "nothing" in my otherwise calm grey cells.


The last time I'd met her in person would've been way back in 2001? or was it 1999? Ah kid the years, what's striking is how distances can really make a difference in one's relationships. Yes, we have our own life, they have theirs, it's impossible to connect on a more than monthly or yearly basis. But coming to think of the relatives I have in India itself, how often do I talk to them? Do I even know all of them?


Its sad. Ours is supposed to be a huge clan and yet, on my last trip to New Delhi (which was a year back), I "discovered" three of my cousins I didn't even know existed! It's ironical that I was forced to make that trip as dad wanted us to visit a few relatives on our way back from Jammu, and like any other kid (?) I didn't like the idea of visiting some relatives I've never met before, and going over the same customs of awkwardly smiling, greeting them, being welcomed into their house, being asked about your career, and the astounding fact that children do really grow up being exclaimed repeatedly. I loved my new found cousins though and wished I would've had the chance to grow up with them.




Being the only kid in a nuclear family has its great benefits and yet, it leaves you with this gaping hole, a yearning to know how it would've been otherwise. All my life I've learnt to be independent, to manage my own troubles, to enjoy my own company, and now living so far away from home, trying to lay a foundation for myself in this world, I feel blessed to have the insight and wisdom to make it solo.


The trouble comes in when this habit becomes your nature. I hate to call myself a loner but I must admit, more often than not, I wish to be left alone. I guess the "me-time" is highly over-rated in my life. So when it comes to meeting relatives, I sort of have to switch roles and become this awesomely outgoing person who enjoys being in the company of others 24x7. And that can be quite exhausting. While I would much rather enjoy a quiet weekend in my room, cuddled up with a cup of hot chocolate, reading a good book, I can't help but accede to at least a few of such invitations, for fear I'd get engulfed in my own silence and fade away without a trace.


Yea that's too far fetched a thought.
But it's after long that I've finally been able to come to terms with myself over this issue.
My independence and freedom are so dear to me, that they often stand in way of me developing an attachment with anyone. I'm afraid that if I do finally let someone share my space, and things don't work out, it's going to be painful learning to live with myself once again, but if I don't, then there's no way I'll ever be able to get my true feelings across to anyone.


I dream of having a big family someday. A family where people look out for each other, where time and distance are no barriers to love. A family I can spend a quiet evening by the fireplace with, without a care in the world. A family that's a part of me as much as I am a part of myself.

When I was in the 8th standard, something wonderful happened to me. I was introduced to the world of Harry Potter by a friend.

My alarm goes off at 6 am every weekday.

I wake up, surf the net, shower, get ready, have a light breakfast and leave my room by 6.50 am (yes I've learnt to do all of that in 50 minutes.)

Then its a 15 minute walk to the bus stop.

From there I catch a 179 that takes me to the nearest subway station. An hours worth of train ride and 20 minutes of walking later, I find myself tapping my id card over the sensor that regulates entry into my work place.


15 minutes later, I'm seated at my desk, with a hot steaming cup of coffee and the day planner open in front of me.


I fill in my day's schedule, note my progress, take a deep breath and start.


This life is new to me. Having been a student for as long as I remember, its quite hard to place myself here, working for somebody else, working and being paid for that. I'm working as a research assistant at Panasonic Singapore Laboratories. It almost adds a whole new value to my existence. Somebody is actually paying to seek my skills! Its like I'm finally serving a purpose! Maybe its still not all that significant and there'll always be people better than me, and yet, it feels wonderful. To be given a responsibility by others who think you're capable of carrying it out. So far I've just been  accountable for myself, my grades, my life, and now I'm supposed to report to this strange new world.


I often take a few moments off my work just to look around hoping to catch a glimpse of a possible future. But all I see are these bunch of machines, eyes glued to the computer screens, hands on the keyboard working of their own accord, and the rising number of empty coffee cups.


I love my work. I get to learn new things. I get to participate in events that I know have the power to reach out to millions. And yet, I feel completely cut off. Maybe I'm afraid if I do let myself get attached, it's going to suck the life out of me.


I don't want to be a part of this mad race. I want to learn, I want to grow and never lose touch with life. I should still be able to stop and appreciate the flowers and trees on my way for the rest of my life, like I do now. I should still be able to steal a few good moments off my day and spend it with the people I love.


I like this new life, but I am going to live it my way :)